The trick is not to find the right partner, but to be the right partner.

I was doing a little research today and found this interesting link, about Imago Therapy.

“Imago is based on the best-seller “Getting The Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, PhD, who co-founded Imago Relationships International together with his partner, Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD.
Imago weaves together leading psychological theories and practical observations on the experience of love into an approach to relationships that is both compelling and easy to understand.
Imago Relationship theory explains why the differences which lead to frustrations are actually a natural part of what originally attracted you to each other. Using insights from brain studies and major psychological research, we can help you look at the story of your relationship in a fresh way.”


As well as “Getting the Love you Want” There is a book dedicated just to singles, called “Keeping the Love you Find” .  I have located the book and will be writing a post about it  after reading  it but meanwhile;

Here is a little insight into Imago therapy.

 An Imago Therapist  Might Say


“99% of couple trouble comes from not being 100% present.” You need to really listen to your partner, so that it is safe for them to tell you what they need. In being 100% present to them, and in meeting their needs, you benefit at least as much as they do.

“You can be right, or you can be in relationship – take your pick.” Being right will not get you or your partner what you both want and need.

“Conflict is growth trying to happen.” If it’s not uncomfortable and unfamiliar, you are not growing.

“Criticism is self-abuse.” When you criticise your partner you are criticising a disowned or lost part of yourself.

“The trick is not to find the right partner, but to be the right partner.” There is not one Mr or Ms Right, there are many, and your success will overwhelmingly depend on your own state of mind and actions.

“Love is blind and marriage is the cure.” Romantic love gets you together with someone with whom you can grow. The real work starts when the romance turns to a power struggle.

“You would rather live in a predictable hell than have a taste of heaven and lose it.” It feels safer to stay with what you know rather than risk getting what you want.

“In a patriarchal society, the good relationships are the ones in which the men allow themselves to be influenced by their partners.” This is not so much about which car to buy, or what to wear … but how to be intimate.

“For a healthy relationship, touch and laugh together every day.” Share actions that jiggle your innards, like laughing, high-energy fun, and orgasm, to bring you closer to your partner.

“Any behaviour that you judge to be crazy is just a child trying to tell you how they feel.” Listen to the child. What do they need to feel safe, accepted, and appreciated by you?

“Both partners in a relationship are the problem, and both are the solution.” You are each 100% responsible for the system you have created through your unconscious collusion.

“You are wounded1 in relationship so you need to heal in relationship (with an Imago match).” You fall in love with people who give you the greatest chances to give up your unproductive adaptations and reclaim your true self.

“What you have now is what you are committed to.” Ask yourself what you get out of remaining in conflict and disconnection.

“Lower your defences so that your partner can become an ally rather than an enemy.” Disclose your vulnerability and invoke your partner’s cuteness receptors. This works so much better than trying to punish them into compliance.

“Most of your partner’s complaints about you have some basis in reality.” They aren’t necessarily crazy or always trying to hurt you! They can help you to see how your responses are frozen in the past.

“Most of your complaints about your partner are statements about your unmet needs.” You chose your partner because they can’t naturally meet your deeper needs.

“The only legitimate powers you have in a relationship are to ask your partner for what you need, and to change your own behaviour to meet their needs.” You have no right to punish them for not loving you right (they are doing the best they can with who they are).

“The best way for you to take care of yourself is to take care of your partner.” Selfishness might get you what you want, but it won’t get you what you need.

“You can’t walk in another’s shoes if yours are still on.” Kick off your shoes, relax, listen … it’s not all about you, and you don’t have to fight back.

“Conflict only exists when one or both partners are feeling misunderstood.” If you want your partner to understand you, first do everything you can to understand them and let them know that you do.

“To find a person who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.”[Robert Brault]

Got you interested, stay tuned! I will write the follow up shortly.



  1. Kim SarrasinKim Sarrasin10-10-2009


    All those statements were terrific – and so much truth in each and every one of them! I’ll look forward to your thoughts and might respond with a few of my own…

    Great job!


  2. adminadmin10-12-2009

    Thanks Kim,

    I am thoroughly enjoying the book, learning alot and I will be writting the next one soon, just stuffing my face with thanksgiving dinners, I hope you are having a fabulous one!

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